C.C on my first poem?

Ok this is my first every poem written willingly... i usually hate poems but...





I am in a LDR and i love her so much i had to write it... might sound cheesy but constructive comments please. remember It's just my first one =D thanks in advance.





To hear your voice makes my day,


Even if I cannot stay.


You give my heart that boost,


That extra bump to live everyday produced.


To taste your lips I wish,


Our tongues are exploring fish.


When we are apart I linger,


Waiting for that ringer.


If only you knew,


The love I have for you.

C.C on my first poem?
It's really cute the person would appreciate the effort. No one ever wrote me a poem.


Exploring fish might scare her off. It kind of grossed me out a bit. Try rhymezone.com. It's great!
Reply:have you gave this poem to her? if not you should.A+A+A+A+
Reply:... Which is worse, one wonders: your poem or the undeserved praise the desperate, boy-crazy girls at this forum seem to be giving your effort?





It's troubling somehow to think that women are so starved for any demonstration by a guy - any guy! -toward courtship that they would forgive such twaddle.





Cyrano de Bergerac you are not but the sentiment is indeed commendable.
Reply:The meter and rhyme on this poem are incredibly simple, and that's fine I'm not going to say change your style. But on some lines you have too many syllables-make this more regular. And what does "our tongues are exploring fish" mean? Finish that analogy?
Reply:its cute except for the fish part it makes me think of a smelly fish flopping around not what you want in a love poem.
Reply:Awesome, man. You should be proud of it!
Reply:Giggles. Good poem. Some of the rhyming and wording is a bit forced, and the rhymth is jumpy, but not bad for a first poem. I've seen much worse, and you can only improve your poetry skills by writing poetry, so keep it up!





Oh, and from the girl's mouth to your ear: Girls love romantic stuff like poetry. If you develope it, it is a skill that will get you far in the world.
Reply:that is a little on the gay side. She will think you are gay.
Reply:That is perty, yeah, I'll be nice. I've wrote well over 100 poems and nothing that crappy. You want honesty right. I'll help you out if you'd like! Here's my yahoo = bratgirlie23@yahoo.com, in the subject line label it poem or I probably won't read it! K, L8er